Well, without much fanfare, I have closed my online store. I have had four sales this year on my website. As we slide into Autumn, into the harvesting and quieting, I am looking where I have been spending my energy for growth. What exactly is it I am trying to grow to harvest anyway? What should I apply slow release fertilizer to? What weeds do I need to pull? Would some pruning be helpful? What have I planted that thrived? What has been struggling? Do I invest more time and money?
I have spent most of my life doing a lot. I find it hard to simply sit and do nothing. In fact, I am not sure I know how to do "nothing". And, is it "bad" that I am filled with creative energy? I was recently flattened by covid, and that's what it took to get me to stop/slow for 10 days. Luckily a good book showed up and I had "something". As I regain my footing and strength, now one month later, my creativity has returned, oddly to include a much deeper need for more space to be alone. A walk in the woods, a bath, another good book to read. All these things I dream about, yet I fill in the spaces with other choices. Is it the wind bringing in the Autumn energy, or perhaps another notching of maturity? Maybe I am becoming Autumn as I age...letting go like the changing leaves...
I suppose as I grow deeper into my crone energy, I am becoming more selective about my experiences. I am learning to say NO and not feel like I have to cushion my no with excuses and smoke screens. I am less concerned with sacrifice, martyr energy and giving all to another, instead choosing to notice interactions, relationships and CHOICES of how I want to weave my energy for myself. It's funny-not-funny in our society we can give it all to our friends, neighbors, relatives, job yet if we were to give the same amount of attention to our self, we might be labeled as selfish or narcissistic (and yes oh yes, narcissism is alive and well...). Are we afraid (yes we are) that we will be judged or disliked or talked about in an uncaring light if we choose what we want? Do we know what we want? Do we notice the more we give the more others might expect of us? Do we allow for the absolute fact that everyone is working on something? And yet, that doesn't give an excuse for bad behavior or emotional abuse.
Expectations of how we *should* or *could have* sometimes offers no room for error, in the eyes of the person judging and frustrated with what we choose, as sovereign beings. However, within our sovereignty lies relationships- the way we relate to another and their needs, wants, views, pain, etc etc. sometimes/mostly hidden agendas and closeted secrets. So where is the edge of enabling another and getting frustrated by their actions? Where is the choice of Grace while maintaining fierce boundaries? How does honesty sound when it makes words to express? Do we dare be honest? Will we choose to speak our needs without expecting another to fold and serve them? Is it better to back away without saying anything? What are we agreeing with? Actions and consequences...
Of course I have no answers, only inquiries, each of us viewing from our unique perspectives. I closed my online store today. I'm sad about it on some level, and I suppose I'll grieve about it for bit as this section of Wildly Crafted Woman also created a lot of inner joy. It "should have" or "could have", but, it didn't. I could throw a tantrum, or feel like I "should" try harder. I could choose to feel like it/I was "not enough". Instead, I choose to release.
And, "like a leaf falling from a tree, She let Go......"